17.4.14

The War Continues...

This time of peace has been great, but we all knew the enemy was just waiting to rise up again. Tonight I happened upon a lone soldier patrolling new territory (the hallway). I was unarmed at the time, but fortunately the enemy was unaware of my presence and that I had spotted him. This gave me enough time to locate a weapon and dispatch him without much of a fight. I fear their armies have found the cockroach settlement and will now grow stronger due to the plentiful food supply.

Note to self: Buy more Raid.

Me: 16
Scorpions: 2

14.4.14

The Story So Far...

I've been thinking (and by thinking, I mean about more ways to procrastinate doing important things like laundry or work) about all of my scorpion posts over the years and how many of my FB friends don't even know about the ongoing war. This makes me sad, so I've decided to compile ALL of my posts and stories of the wee beasties into a single blog post. So here it is, from the very first kill... The Summer of the Scorpion!

May 2, 2011
Me: 1
Scorpions: 0
(That's weird... I really thought there would be a story to accompany my very first kill)

May 25, 2011
Me: 2
Scorpions: 0
The war rages on!

June 24, 2011
Me: 3
Scorpions: 0
I have yet to be defeated!

July 1, 2011
They retaliated where I was most vulnerable- soapy and in the shower. Luckily I was able to make it out unscathed and clean. My revenge was swift and sweet.
Me: 4
Scorpions: 0

July 8, 2011
Shame on you, Scorpions of the Bathroom, for letting your little ones play on my toilet paper- where you know full well that I will kill them.
Me:5
Scorpions: 0

July 12, 2011
In the microwave? Really?
Me: 6
Scorpions: 0

July 24, 2011
Although the War with the Scorpions of the Bathroom seems to be at a stand-still, the psychological damage remains. I must keep my guard up in the bathroom at all times. I know they are watching... waiting...

September 22, 2011
(Correspondence from a concerned supporter) Hi Jecca! Haven't seen any updates on the scorpion war lately. Have the little demons surrendered, waving their little white flags in shame?
(Response)   I haven't seen any white flags... Either I killed them all or they're regrouping and planning their attack for next summer.
I like to think I killed them all...


September 24, 2011
They attacked from a new front last night...The OTHER side of the bathroom! Their soldier almost got away, but I brought out the big guns and ran him down!
Me: 7
Scorpions of the Bathroom: 0


September 26, 2011
It finally happened... they crossed over into my territory. Into my own bedroom! I was so shocked I couldn't move! When I finally snapped into gear and raised my weapon, it was gone. Vanished into thin air... or more likely into the crack between my cooler and the windowsill. Well played, scorpions... well played.

October 6, 2011
I just killed the sumo wrestler of scorpions in my room while rearranging and then emptied half a can of bugspray down a hole in my wall... this war is getting old!
Me: 8
Scorpions of the Bed and Bath: 0... or maybe I should give them a point for that one that got away... stupid scorpions...
 
 


February 7, 2012
I love the weather this time of year... hot enough to no longer need a jacket, but still too cold for scorpions!

February 21, 2012
The armory is stocked and I'm on high alert. I feel the second great war is drawing near...

April 14, 2012
I don't know if you can tell, but there's a scorpion IN THE DISPLAY THING in my microwave!! First scorpion I see this summer and I can't even get to it to destroy it!




April 15, 2012
I have no idea if I killed the bloody thing. I thought I sprayed it, but it scurried off before I could be sure. Until I find a body, I consider last night's efforts a failure...

April 21, 2012
And so it begins...
Me: 9
Scorpions of the Bathroom: 2 (for the 2 that got away)
 
 
 
 


** Not scorpion related, but I thought it worth posting**
A murder took place in my bedroom between the hours of 12AM & 830AM this morning. It was staged to look like a suicide, but I smell foul play. I also smell a dead fish. Kirk's body was found dried up on the floor near the fish hotel, but did he jump? Or was he pushed? I searched for clues-finprints on the body, a tell-tale drop of water where it shouldn't have been-but the scene was clean.
The only survivor of the once thriving fish hotel, Scotty, certainly had motive. It's clear that he wanted to be the biggest fish in the tank. Could he have picked off Sulu, Spock, and Kirk one by one? It's possible-no one would've suspected him, but I'll never have enough evidence to convict... I'll have to keep my eyes on that one.

 (Now, back to the war)

June 22, 2012
No scorpions for a long time now... I wonder what they're playing at...
 (Responses from my supporters included such comments as: "prepare yourself for a mass attack...", "They are probably working on a shock N awe type invasion.", "Be afraid, very afraid.", "Growing bigger, meaner, faster.", "They're planning on kidnapping your fish.", and "Battle is coming". My response- "Thanks everyone. Now I definitely don't feel like they'll come after me in my sleep... ".

August 20, 2012
The scorpion menace that had evaded me all summer accosted me in my own bedroom tonight. I caught a glimpse of one just as I was about to douse the lights. 30 minutes and a rearranged bedroom later, the vile creature lies on my floor. Hacked to bits.
Oh, and if you're still keeping track-
Me: 10
Scorpions (formerly) of the Bathroom: 2
 
 


September 25, 2012
Well hello scorpion. It's been a while since I've seen one of you...
Goodbye scorpion.
Me: 11
Scorpions: 2
 


October 25, 2012
The Season of the Scorpion is finally coming to an end, but a new enemy has surfaced. An enemy that has waged a war so sudden and so terrible that the casualties have already begun to pile up. I have lost two of my favorite shirts. However, retaliation is already under way. The traps have been set and the Mouse Menace will soon be eradicated. 
(The Mouse Menace was pretty much eradicated that night)

January 7, 2013



February 17, 2013
On the verge of summer = on the verge of war. The casualties continue to grow.
Me: 11
Scorpions: 2


March 11, 2013
(Correspondence from my lieutenant while I was on leave) It has been a few days since the invasion has begun; the menace has declared victory over the battlefield and has spread out looking for new lands to conquer. Scouts have been spotted in the plantations. Workers spotted them under brush they barely came out unscathed. Before a party could be dispatched to the site, the scouts had left to report to headquarters. The next day an assassination attempt was made on me while I was on a peace mission to the WC. The assassin was waiting for me, possibly for hours or even days, biding his time until the perfect moment to strike was upon him. After all that waiting he blew the plan by attacking a hair too soon, he dropped from the ceiling narrowly missing me, I jumped back in surprise but quickly prepared myself for battle. We fought and fought for what seemed like days but before I could land the finishing blow, he turned tail and ran away into the sewers never to be seen again.
Hopefully that thwarted most of the would-be-assassination attempts but I will not let my guard down. It is a draw for now but I fear war is coming…
Commander Whetten your service will be greatly missed.

(Response) Keep up the good work, Lieutenant. You are the only one that stands between our homes and the scorpion menace while I'm away on leave. Many souls depend on you for protection so stay vigilant!
Keep me posted.
 


May 6, 2013
Back on the front lines preparing for war. So far, it appears the enemy has withdrawn rather than invade my territory. Let's keep it that way, scorpions.

May 21, 2013
Attempt #1 of the season came in the form of an ambush. One of their soldiers waited, perhaps for hours, above my bathroom door to swoop down on me and deliver a fatal blow. Unfortunately for them, I was expecting an ill-conceived attempt such as this. I met him in battle before he could strike. A few blasts of Raid and a purple flip-flop later, I dumped that vile creatures lifeless body in the toilet and flushed. May your tormented soul (assuming you have a soul) haunt the sewers with the rest of your dearly departed forever.
Brace yourselves... The Summer Of The Scorpion is coming...
ME: 12
SCORPIONS: 2
 
 


June 16, 2013
For some reason the scorpion leaders saw fit to send a rookie soldier to spy on me. I dispatched him quickly, quietly and without remorse. However, it makes me wonder if they purposefully sacrificed a pawn to let me know that they are still here. Watching me. Waiting. Planning.
Message received, scorpions. Message received.
Me: 13
Scorpions: 2
 


June 22, 2013
It's unnerving how nonchalant I've become about killing the enemy. I fear war has hardened me.
Me: 14
Scorpions: 2
 


June 25, 2013
If anyone would like to make a donation to help in the War Against Scorpions, I accept food, money, and Raid. Every little bit helps.
Your support is greatly appreciated.
 


June 26, 2013
I don't care how hardened of a warrior one is, one still gets little-girl scared and jumps at any movement whatsoever whilst cleaning out one's attic.
Especially when one's scorpion detection equipment is malfunctioning


July 30, 2013
No scorpions in a while...
Yet I still can't walk into my bathroom without scanning the walls and floor for any invaders.


August 30, 2013
I've been neglecting my battlefield debriefing duties:
Thursday: Laundry Day- mounds of clothes on my bedroom floor. They must have seen an opportunity to catch me off guard, because as I emptied my second batch of clothes into the laundry machine I was immediately confronted by a young assassin at the bottom of my basket. Their plan was somewhat successful as I had no weapons and it seemed I would have no way of defending myself. But never fear, dear reader, for a great soldier can find weapons in any environment- even a laundry room. I quickly but calmly surveyed my surroundings and grabbed the first blunt object I could find. My laundry detergent. I brought that tropical-scented Gain down on my tiny enemy with all the hatred that three-ish years of fighting has spawned and remain the victor.
Me: 15
Scorpions: 2
 
 
 

(Winning comment: "Truly a battle well fought, indeed. Although obvious, I feel it must be stated and memorialized that your Gain was its loss. Hail to the victor.")

February 18, 2014
As the weather begins to turn I would like to take this moment to thank each of you for your support in the fight against scorpions. The battlefront is silent now, but I feel war will soon be upon me.

March 26, 2014
There are roaches in my bathroom. Scorpions eat roaches. Ergo, (A) due to the plethora of roaches, there are obviously no scorpions in the vicinity to pick them off and (B) due to the plethora of roaches, when the scorpions do come there will be plenty of food to strengthen their armies.

Wow... this is a long post. I feel kinda bad that I made you read all of that...    

7.5.13

Did I Say NEAR Future?...

Hello, friends!
I know, I know. It's been ages since my last post. In that post I promised a scorpion tale like none other. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is the day you've all been waiting for! The day I let you down and once again procrastinate writing about the ongoing battle with the bloody wee beasties.... but it really is coming... soon...

I promise...

But in the meantime I really have decided to write on this thing more often. About what? Good question. You'll have to frequent this blog and keep reading my posts to find out. (See what I did there?)

The thing is, I really like to write. Shocker huh? You really can't tell by my frequent posts. Yes, I like to write, but I have a problem. I have a problem coming up with... you know... words. That's weird, right? Words should be a writer's best friend. The worst thing in the world is having a brilliant story in your mind and no way to get it out of there without it sounding like a 9-year-old's book report. This is my problem.

To remedy this problem, I plan to follow the advise of the much loved author, Madeleine L'Engle: Just write.

See you all soon...

1.10.11

Embrace the Geek!

This is a poster I created in my Graphic Design class this semester.



Just thought I'd share... What do you think?

But I'm not gonna lie... I'm pretty much only posting this so I can show it off on Pinterest...

In other news: I have been fighting a long, hard battle with the hated Scorpions of the Bathroom. Expect a massively entertaining, enormously heart-stopping, and slightly truth-bending post regarding the ongoing scorpion war sometime in the near future...

21.1.11

Midget?

Funny How.. Tiiiiimmmmmee Fliiiiiiieeeess! (Tears For Fears style)

Yes, I'm alive.

Yes, I'm still in Thatcher

Yes, I have once again changed my major.

No, I have never kissed a midget... but thanks for asking!

Hello and welcome to 2011! A year that will live in famy (opposite of infamy) as the year I will lose weight, become rich, build a house, get excellent grades, and publish a book! Those were my resolutions and I have yet to begin the first stages of accomplishing a single one! I hope all you people in the world (because I know EVERYONE reads my blog) have better motivation than I do.

This standard blogging format is getting kinda boring... let's pretend we're talking face-to-face. Ready?
Jack: Hello friend! How are you?
You: Hello Jack! Oh, pretty good, thanks.
Jack: How's life treating you these days?
You: You know... can't complain. You?
Jack: Pretty much the same old stuff... thanks for asking!
You: Anytime! I'm always here for you, Jack!
Jack: Awww... I feel so loved!
You: So, you going to school?
Jack: Yeah... still... bleh... I changed my major back to graphic design and I'm actually a full time student this semester so... yay.
You: Well, that's pretty cool. You were always good at that stuff.
Jack: Why thank you, friend! You're not so bad yourself... you know... at whatever you plan to do for a living.
You: You still work at the theater?
Jack: Yep! Being a techie is great!
You: I bet! Hey, wasn't there a rumor going around that you kissed a midget?
Jack: What? Wherever did you hear a thing like that?
You: ... maybe it was someone else...
Jack: It must've been. I've never kissed a midget... I'm sure it would be fun though.
You: ......
Jack: ......
You: .....
Jack: ... so... it was nice chatting with you!
You: ... yeah! I always enjoy our little chats.
Jack: ......
You: .......
Jack: Well, see ya!
You: For sure! Bye!

12.10.10

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Yay for fsh! (Get it? Because they have no eyes... or "i"s) I added these little guys and I've been playing with them for like an hour! What a great way to waste time at work...
I've even named my fsh. The red one is Snappy, the black one is JakJak, the green-ish/gray one is Hamilton, and the orange one is Bob.
It's so cute how they follow your cursor around and they get so excited when you give them food! Awwww...

...I just love my new fsh...

9.6.10

ZOMBIE AWESOMENESS!!!

So I know I haven't posted anything in almost a year and promise I'll catch all y'all up on the random happening of life (if anyone even still reads this haha), but for now I HAVE to share my EPIC ZOMBIE DREAM!! I woke up and was like "holy crap that was awesome!!!" and wrote this (I know it's choppy and seems kinda pieced together, but that's because dreams tend to be like that):

The Game

The object of the game: to get from point A to point B and last through the night without being turned into or eaten by one of The Infected. The prize: a lot of money and, of course, your life.
Point A was Lee Theater, point B the Fine Arts Center. The game started at sundown. There were hidden checkpoints all over campus we had to reach before completing the game. Rumors flew about where these checkpoints were located, but none of us knew for sure. We were forced to search every inch of the college campus knowing full well what we would find in the dark. There were groups of people who decided to stick together- form teams to make the first few hours of the game easier. In my opinion, teams were pointless. There could only be one survivor. Teams would have to turn against each other in the end.

I was at the fifth checkpoint (out of seven) when I ran into some trouble. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops up to this point. I had had to rip up my sweater to cover some open wounds I had gotten (the blood attracts The Infected) and I had to weasel my way out of a few sticky situations. But checkpoint number five was a different story. The checkpoint was located in one of the glass offices on the second floor of the administration building. I could see the glow of the tablet from outside. I quickly made my way into the building through a side door. My stealth seemed unnecessary- as far as I could tell, there wasn’t a soul around.

It was nearly four a.m. and inside the building was pitch black. Luckily I found some road flares an unfortunate player was forced to leave behind at checkpoint three. I hadn’t used them yet since the light would draw too much attention, but stumbling around in the dark was never a good idea. The faster I can sign off on this checkpoint the faster I can get out in open air. I lit the flare and immediately saw three or four of The Infected lumbering towards me. They were pretty easy to dodge as long as you were out of arms reach. I ducked around a corner and up a flight of stairs. Stairs were good. They had a hard time climbing stairs.

The glow of the tablet through the glass walls made it easy to spot the checkpoint. Right in the President’s office. I slipped inside and signed my name on the tablet. Easy as pie. My suspicions rose immediately. Nothing in this game was supposed to be easy.

All my senses alert, I left the office looking for another way down to the ground floor. The Infected I spotted before would be almost up the stairs by now, blocking the way I came in. It wasn’t hard to find the main staircase leading to the lobby where the front doors would be. I crept onto the landing and peered down the stairs. Blackness. I cautiously dropped the lit road flare over the edge and immediately regretted it. The lobby was literally crawling with The Infected and I had just announced my presence. They converged onto the staircase, slowly but surely making their way toward me. I turned around and ran to the stairway that I originally came up, thinking three or four of them would be easier to get around than three or four dozen. As I got to the stairwell I lit another flare and nearly ran smack into one. There were a bit more than three or four now. The stairs were congested with The Infected. While I was occupied with signing the checkpoint they came out of hiding and blocked all the exits. Crap. Apparently, they not only eat brains, they use them too.

I dashed through the nearest door hoping it was a room with a window. I slammed the door behind me and locked it. I turned around and was immediately hit in the face by… a broom? I started to panic. How could I have missed the sign outside? The big one on the door that read “janitor’s closet”? There are no windows in the janitor’s closet. The Infected began to bang on the door, moaning and scratching, trying to get to me. I tried to psych myself up for what was about to happen. I wasn’t going down without a fight. There’s still a chance, I kept telling myself. Still a small chance that I can fight my way through to an exit, or a window at least.

There’s still a chance.

The banging and scratching was louder now. There were more of them. You couldn’t kill The Infected; they were already dead.

There’s still a chance.

All I had to do was knock a few of them over. Create a domino effect. It was difficult for them to get back up on their feet once they were down. More scratching. More banging. More moaning.

There’s still a chance.

The door was about to give in. There was no sense in prolonging the inevitable. I might be able to somehow push past them without being bitten…

Please, let there still be a chance.

The door burst open. The first one in was big. A male. He turned his glazed, dead eyes on me, squinting at the light from the sputtering flare. I kicked him, knocking him back. The plan worked! He knocked over a female behind him and blocked the doorway, giving me time to think about my next move. I could jump over the fat one and bulldoze my way into the room across the hall. It would be a good plan if the room was empty. Not likely. I dropped my flare and pressed myself against the back wall. I would need a running start. I took a few deep breaths and… something grabbed my ankle. It was the female the fat one knocked over, still trapped under his weight. Her grip was vice-like and bony. I tried to kick her off, but she held fast. With her free hand she crawled closer, her matted dark hair dragging on the carpet. She was working herself free from under the fat one. I couldn’t get her hand off of me. She dug her nails into my skin, drawing blood.

More of them were clamoring in the doorway. I had to get out, but there was no way. The female was stronger than I thought and the hallway was thick with them. The female was nearly free of the fat one, her mouth inching closer to my leg. She was going to bite me. She was going to infect me too. I kicked harder but it was no use. This is it, I thought. My last moment was spent fighting off corpses backed into a janitor’s closet. I closed my eyes, waiting for the bite. Another hand grabbed my shoulder… my shoulder?

I opened my eyes and looked up. There was someone there! A real live person reaching for me from a vent in the ceiling.

“Come on,” he said, “grab my hand!”

He didn’t need to tell me twice. I reached up and the man in the ceiling pulled at the same time the female with the death grip on my ankle went in for the kill. Her nails dug deeper into my skin, but she was slipping. She lashed out with her other hand and let out a blood-chilling scream. The man in the ceiling pulled harder and I kicked the female again. Her grip loosened just enough for me to wiggle out of her grasp. The female screeched again as the others in the doorway finally made it over the fat male, clawing to get a hold of my dangling feet. The man in the ceiling gave one last pull and I was safe. There was no way The Infected could climb up after us.

I followed the man through the vents and we eventually made it to the roof of the building. Outside, there was no sign of anyone, dead or alive. Without a word he ran to a ladder on the side of the building and climbed down to the ground. I was right behind him.

The next 30 minutes were spent in relative silence as we tried to find a safe place to rest. We found shelter, more people, and the sixth checkpoint in an empty classroom under the fine arts center. I suspected that the 20-or-so people in the room were the only ones left in the game. None of us wanted to risk going to the upper levels just yet. Chances are it was packed with The Infected. I tried to keep to myself most of the time, except to thank the man who saved me in the administration building. I didn’t want to mingle with the people I knew I would have to fight against later. But for now this place was safe and I needed to rest.

I noticed a man sitting in the corner of the room, also keeping to himself. His eyes swept over the room as if he were taking inventory of all of us. His eyes met mine and the look on his face sent a chill up my spine. I couldn’t quite tell why. His gaze was cruel and calculating. He was definitely planning something. But why would he be staring at us like livestock? He couldn’t attack us. That was against the rules. That was what The Infected did. I watched him as an old woman bent and offered him a candy bar, probably stolen from a vending machine. He gave her a twisted smile as he pulled something from his pocket. What happened next was so unexpected I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it. In a flash the man jabbed something into the old woman’s side. She dropped to the floor instantly, convulsing and coughing up blood. I’ve seen something like this before. She was turning into one of them. One of The Infected.

Before everyone else in the room could make out what had just happened the man pulled what looked like gas canisters out of his coat and threw them in the middle of the crowd. They exploded and released a cloud of gas that made everyone who inhaled it collapse, just like the old lady. I quickly covered my mouth. I had to get out. Within moments everyone in the room would become infected. I looked for an exit and noticed a hallway across the room. Staying low to avoid the gas, I made my way to the hall, slipping on blood and tripping on convulsing bodies as I went.

I ran down the hall, but one glance behind me told me I wasn’t alone. The man who had infected everyone was following me. He had a smug smile on his face as he stalked toward me. I ran harder. My mind was racing. Who was this man? How did he get his hands on those gas canisters? He wasn’t one of The Infected. His eyes were too human, too alive. Eliminating the competition, I thought. What a friggin jerk. I turned a corner and ran smack into a locked door. Crap. It was a dead end. The man caught up to me and let out a vicious laugh. He said he didn’t mind that I had gotten away. He said he would rather be up against me in the end than some of the other heavy-hitters. He said he might even let me live for a while. Until he got bored with me. I just glared at him, not sure to believe him or not. He kicked down the door behind me and stepped aside, as if to let me pass. I looked over his shoulder into the room he just opened. I saw the glow of the tablet that marked the seventh and final checkpoint. I eyed him warily. He just smiled that smug, twisted smile.

I took a step and he lunged.

I tried to dodge the syringe, but he was quicker than I thought. I felt the needle enter my stomach, but oddly felt no pain. I could feel my insides convulsing and blood coming up my throat. I fell to my knees, suddenly weakened, the pain finally setting in, but I kept a steely gaze on the man. He stared down at me, smiling his twisted smile. I was overcome by a surge of anger and energy. I took a knife that was strapped to his leg, and slashed at him. The man laughed. But then the twisted smile faded into a look of surprise. He didn’t realize that I had cut my own arm before cutting him. My blood was in his system. He was infected too. He fell to the floor, clutching his stomach, blood spurting from his mouth.

Before I lost consciousness in a pool of my own blood, I looked the man square in the eyes and said, “See you on the dark side.”