I've been thinking (and by thinking, I mean about more ways to procrastinate doing important things like laundry or work) about all of my scorpion posts over the years and how many of my FB friends don't even know about the ongoing war. This makes me sad, so I've decided to compile ALL of my posts and stories of the wee beasties into a single blog post. So here it is, from the very first kill... The Summer of the Scorpion!
May 2, 2011
Me: 1
Scorpions: 0
(That's weird... I really thought there would be a story to accompany my very first kill)
May 25, 2011
Me: 2
Scorpions: 0
The war rages on!
June 24, 2011
Me: 3
Scorpions: 0
I have yet to be defeated!
July 1, 2011
They retaliated where I was most vulnerable- soapy and in the shower. Luckily I was able to make it out unscathed and clean. My revenge was swift and sweet.
Me: 4
Scorpions: 0
July 8, 2011
Shame on you, Scorpions of the Bathroom, for letting your little ones play on my toilet paper- where you know full well that I will kill them.
Me:5
Scorpions: 0
July 12, 2011
In the microwave? Really?
Me: 6
Scorpions: 0
July 24, 2011
Although
the War with the Scorpions of the Bathroom seems to be at a
stand-still, the psychological damage remains. I must keep my guard up
in the bathroom at all times. I know they are watching... waiting...
September 22, 2011
(Correspondence from a concerned supporter) Hi
Jecca! Haven't seen any updates on the scorpion war lately. Have the
little demons surrendered, waving their little white flags in shame?
(Response) I haven't seen any white flags... Either I killed them all or they're regrouping and planning their attack for next summer.
I like to think I killed them all...
September 24, 2011
They
attacked from a new front last night...The OTHER side of the bathroom!
Their soldier almost got away, but I brought out the big guns and ran
him down!
Me: 7
Scorpions of the Bathroom: 0
September 26, 2011
It
finally happened... they crossed over into my territory. Into my own
bedroom! I was so shocked I couldn't move! When I finally snapped into
gear and raised my weapon, it was gone. Vanished into thin air... or
more likely into the crack between my cooler and the windowsill. Well
played, scorpions... well played.
October 6, 2011
I
just killed the sumo wrestler of scorpions in my room while rearranging
and then emptied half a can of bugspray down a hole in my wall... this
war is getting old!
Me: 8
Scorpions of the Bed and Bath: 0... or maybe I should give them a point for that one that got away... stupid scorpions...
February 7, 2012
I love the weather this time of year... hot enough to no longer need a jacket, but still too cold for scorpions!
February 21, 2012
The armory is stocked and I'm on high alert. I feel the second great war is drawing near...
April 14, 2012
I don't know if you can tell, but there's a
scorpion IN THE DISPLAY THING in my microwave!! First scorpion I see
this summer and I can't even get to it to destroy it!
April 15, 2012
I
have no idea if I killed the bloody thing. I thought I sprayed it, but
it scurried off before I could be sure. Until I find a body, I consider
last night's efforts a failure...
April 21, 2012
And so it begins...
Me: 9
Scorpions of the Bathroom: 2 (for the 2 that got away)
** Not scorpion related, but I thought it worth posting**
A
murder took place in my bedroom between the hours of 12AM & 830AM
this morning. It was staged to look like a suicide, but I smell foul
play. I also smell a dead fish. Kirk's body was found dried up on the
floor near the fish hotel, but did he jump? Or was he pushed? I searched
for clues-finprints on the body, a tell-tale drop of water where it
shouldn't have been-but the scene was clean.
The only
survivor of the once thriving fish hotel, Scotty, certainly had motive.
It's clear that he wanted to be the biggest fish in the tank. Could he
have picked off Sulu, Spock, and Kirk one by one? It's possible-no one
would've suspected him, but I'll never have enough evidence to
convict... I'll have to keep my eyes on that one.
(Now, back to the war)
June 22, 2012
No scorpions for a long time now... I wonder what they're playing at...
(Responses from my supporters included such comments as: "prepare yourself for a mass attack...", "They are probably working on a shock N awe type invasion.", "Be afraid, very afraid.", "Growing bigger, meaner, faster.", "They're planning on kidnapping your fish.", and "Battle is coming". My response- "Thanks everyone. Now I definitely don't feel like they'll come after me in my sleep... ".
August 20, 2012
The
scorpion menace that had evaded me all summer accosted me in my own
bedroom tonight. I caught a glimpse of one just as I was about to douse
the lights. 30 minutes and a rearranged bedroom later, the vile creature
lies on my floor. Hacked to bits.
Oh, and if you're still keeping track-
Me: 10
Scorpions (formerly) of the Bathroom: 2
September 25, 2012
Well hello scorpion. It's been a while since I've seen one of you...
Goodbye scorpion.
Me: 11
Scorpions: 2
October 25, 2012
The
Season of the Scorpion is finally coming to an end, but a new enemy has
surfaced. An enemy that has waged a war so sudden and so terrible that
the casualties have already begun to pile up. I have lost two of my
favorite shirts. However, retaliation is already under way. The traps
have been set and the Mouse Menace will soon be eradicated.
(The Mouse Menace was pretty much eradicated that night)
January 7, 2013
February 17, 2013
On the verge of summer = on the verge of war. The casualties continue to grow.
Me: 11
Scorpions: 2
March 11, 2013
(Correspondence from my lieutenant while I was on leave) It
has been a few days since the invasion has begun; the menace has
declared victory over the battlefield and has spread out looking for new
lands to conquer. Scouts have been spotted in the plantations. Workers
spotted them under brush they barely came out unscathed. Before a party
could be dispatched to the site, the scouts had left to report to
headquarters. The next day an assassination attempt
was made on me while I was on a peace mission to the WC. The assassin was
waiting for me, possibly for hours or even days, biding his time until
the perfect moment to strike was upon him. After all that waiting he
blew the plan by attacking a hair too soon, he dropped from the ceiling
narrowly missing me, I jumped back in surprise but quickly prepared
myself for battle. We fought and fought for what seemed like days but
before I could land the finishing blow, he turned tail and ran away into
the sewers never to be seen again.
Hopefully that thwarted most of
the would-be-assassination attempts but I will not let my guard down.
It is a draw for now but I fear war is coming…
Commander Whetten your service will be greatly missed.
(Response) Keep
up the good work, Lieutenant. You are the only one that stands between
our homes and the scorpion menace while I'm away on leave. Many souls
depend on you for protection so stay vigilant!
Keep me posted.
May 6, 2013
Back
on the front lines preparing for war. So far, it appears the enemy has
withdrawn rather than invade my territory. Let's keep it that way,
scorpions.
May 21, 2013
Attempt
#1 of the season came in the form of an ambush. One of their soldiers
waited, perhaps for hours, above my bathroom door to swoop down on me
and deliver a fatal blow. Unfortunately for them, I was expecting an
ill-conceived attempt such as this. I met him in battle before he could
strike. A few blasts of Raid and a purple flip-flop later, I dumped that
vile creatures lifeless body in the toilet and flushed. May your
tormented soul (assuming you have a soul) haunt the sewers with the rest
of your dearly departed forever.
Brace yourselves... The Summer Of The Scorpion is coming...
ME: 12
SCORPIONS: 2
June 16, 2013
For
some reason the scorpion leaders saw fit to send a rookie soldier to spy
on me. I dispatched him quickly, quietly and without remorse. However,
it makes me wonder if they purposefully sacrificed a pawn to let me know
that they are still here. Watching me. Waiting. Planning.
Message received, scorpions. Message received.
Me: 13
Scorpions: 2
June 22, 2013
It's unnerving how nonchalant I've become about killing the enemy. I fear war has hardened me.
Me: 14
Scorpions: 2
June 25, 2013
If
anyone would like to make a donation to help in the War Against
Scorpions, I accept food, money, and Raid. Every little bit helps.
Your support is greatly appreciated.
June 26, 2013
I
don't care how hardened of a warrior one is, one still gets little-girl
scared and jumps at any movement whatsoever whilst cleaning out one's
attic.
Especially when one's scorpion detection equipment is malfunctioning
July 30, 2013
No scorpions in a while...
Yet I still can't walk into my bathroom without scanning the walls and floor for any invaders.
August 30, 2013
I've been neglecting my battlefield debriefing duties:
Thursday: Laundry Day- mounds of clothes on my bedroom floor. They must
have seen an opportunity to catch me off guard, because as I emptied my
second batch of clothes into the laundry machine I was immediately
confronted by a young assassin at the bottom of my basket. Their plan
was somewhat successful as I had no weapons and it seemed I would
have no way of defending myself. But never fear, dear reader, for a
great soldier can find weapons in any environment- even a laundry room. I
quickly but calmly surveyed my surroundings and grabbed the first blunt
object I could find. My laundry detergent. I brought that
tropical-scented Gain down on my tiny enemy with all the hatred that
three-ish years of fighting has spawned and remain the victor.
Me: 15
Scorpions: 2
(Winning comment: "Truly
a battle well fought, indeed. Although obvious, I feel it must be
stated and memorialized that your Gain was its loss. Hail to the victor.")
February 18, 2014
As
the weather begins to turn I would like to take this moment to thank
each of you for your support in the fight against scorpions. The
battlefront is silent now, but I feel war will soon be upon me.
March 26, 2014
There
are roaches in my bathroom. Scorpions eat roaches. Ergo, (A) due to the
plethora of roaches, there are obviously no scorpions in the vicinity
to pick them off and (B) due to the plethora of roaches, when the
scorpions do come there will be plenty of food to strengthen their
armies.
Wow... this is a long post. I feel kinda bad that I made you read all of that...
